neroshan
07-27-2007, 12:15 AM
Single life is not always that great
Since "The diary of Bridget Jones" and the movie with the same name, being single is hot. They can go out until the break of dawn, they jump into bed with whoever they want, eat what and when they want. In short, they have the freedom to not consider anyone. But this life also has a downside, discovered psychologists Laila Levine and Sybille Harper. When Laila and Sybille decided to dedicate their psychology practice to struggling singles, they felt they gave acknowledgement that single life is not that easy. Because they turn out to be a little bit unhappier than the ones with a partner. "The problems of the solo existence haven't been taken seriously for way too long", says Sybille Harper.
They are both experts by experience. The longest that Sybille Harper lived life alone was four years, Laila Levine three years. But when they decided to dedicate their practice to the life of the insecure single, both of them just started a new relationship. Sybille Harper: "That doesn't matter of course, because in our environment the problem was still there. Next to that, I struggled with the subject for a long time. Relationships that ended, the fact that I wanted to become a mother at a certain point." Laila Levine: "Yes, I had the same thing. There was a lot of recognition."
Insecurity
What does the so called “singleton” struggle with? "The biggest problem is insecurity, about themselves and about the future. We all don't mind being single for a while, if we know for sure that the prince or princess on the white horse will come along in a year. "A lot of people worry if that takes longer than they planned." says Sybille Harper. "They think like this: 'I don't have a relationship and who guarantees me that that will be the case in a year?' Laila Levine completes "Yes, and people in their environment will start saying 'But you are a great girl?' Especially women tend to put the blame on themselves and think 'Why don't I have a boyfriend? Am I too picky, too boring, and too bitchy?' "Sybille Harper: "Or too stupid, too ugly, too fat. Like: 'I don't deserve a partner obviously'."
Because sitting on the couch on your own every night is not everything, singles usually have an active, busy and varied life. However, they are not always those happy dynamic hedonists as if they show us in the magazines, commercials and television series like Sex and the City and Ally McBeal. Research tells us that although singles emancipated from a sad person to an accepted single, singles turn out to be unhappier than the ones that do have a partner. They see a doctor more often, are more involved in traffic accidents and have a higher chance of getting addicted.
People need structure and the intimacy of a partner", says Laila Levine. "The relationship with friends is different. With your partner, you fall asleep every night and you wake up every morning. And with your partner you have sex of course." Sybille Harper: "People just need someone that knows them very well, that is some kind of
continuance in their lives. Someone that supports you no matter what, and then I don't mean your parents, because you need to separate yourselves from them. Almost no one gets to know you as well as your partner and with no one, you can be yourself so well as with your girlfriend or boyfriend.
There are a lot more singles than 10 years ago and this number will only grow in the future. Singles don't stay single forever. Most of them are only temporary single after a broken relationship. In addition, with the growth of the number of singles you would expect that people would meet one day. According to therapists, mainly modern times that bother us. We tend to settle down later, we want to look around in life, find out what suits you the best work wise, but also in a relationship. So, you finished that education, you found the nice job, then, the single expects that the partner will come as well. When you can arrange your life, then you can arrange your relationship as well, right? "We want the biggest fish out of the pond. There needs to be a click with someone, we want to fall in love straight away, it has to succeed quickly", says Sybille Harper.
Especially to people in their thirties, afraid to miss out, this happens. Laila Levine: "People in their thirties, no matter what their education, hunt a lot. They are desperately looking and if the relationship is not everything, then they look for someone else. It is tasting and go." Sybille Harper: "But you can get damaged by that. Because if you are the one that dumps, you start worrying of you might have a fear of commitment. And to be dumped has their specific emotions as well.
In their practice, most of the clients are female, but according to the women, it is not that only highly educated women around thirty knock on their door. Sybille Harper: "That is really a myth that is made up by the media. They do exist, but are part of a much bigger group. We have clients from all levels of society, says Laila Levine. "It is true that every age group has their specific problems. Older singles have a longer history. It is a different kind of pain and the problems are different, because often there are kids. Or there is a lot of anger. Like: 'A new guy should not expect me to make diner for him every day'."
On average clients have ten sessions with Sybille Harper or Laila Levine. And after that, they found a partner within no time? No, that's not how it works of course. Golden tips don't exist, but there is advice. Sybille Harper: "Don't wait with being happy. Buy that house, travel, don't make yourself dependent, live! Have faith that it will be okay. Half of the people under 35 years old get a new relationship within a year, but if that's not the case, accept that. This pressure, better today than tomorrow, is not necessary."
"And don't reject someone too soon, she continues."Take the time to get to know someone. That's why a bar is not really the place to meet a partner. There it is more about flirting. Work, school, hobby places, birthdays or parties are more suitable." Laila Levine: "And think about what you are looking for in a partner. However, as important is: look at all the things that you have to offer. A relationship consists out of two people after all."
Singles image is changing. Since a few years, you are more trendy and hip, than sad and pitiful. Contact ads in the newspaper made way for dating on the Internet and being introduced to "the friend of the friend of" transformed to singles parties and activity agencies that aim specifically at singles. However, are these happy singles going to the right places to meet each other? It looks like lots of them are missing out. Men and women choose clearly for different methods to get in touch with the "right one". Enlarge your chances? Read the following tips!
Since "The diary of Bridget Jones" and the movie with the same name, being single is hot. They can go out until the break of dawn, they jump into bed with whoever they want, eat what and when they want. In short, they have the freedom to not consider anyone. But this life also has a downside, discovered psychologists Laila Levine and Sybille Harper. When Laila and Sybille decided to dedicate their psychology practice to struggling singles, they felt they gave acknowledgement that single life is not that easy. Because they turn out to be a little bit unhappier than the ones with a partner. "The problems of the solo existence haven't been taken seriously for way too long", says Sybille Harper.
They are both experts by experience. The longest that Sybille Harper lived life alone was four years, Laila Levine three years. But when they decided to dedicate their practice to the life of the insecure single, both of them just started a new relationship. Sybille Harper: "That doesn't matter of course, because in our environment the problem was still there. Next to that, I struggled with the subject for a long time. Relationships that ended, the fact that I wanted to become a mother at a certain point." Laila Levine: "Yes, I had the same thing. There was a lot of recognition."
Insecurity
What does the so called “singleton” struggle with? "The biggest problem is insecurity, about themselves and about the future. We all don't mind being single for a while, if we know for sure that the prince or princess on the white horse will come along in a year. "A lot of people worry if that takes longer than they planned." says Sybille Harper. "They think like this: 'I don't have a relationship and who guarantees me that that will be the case in a year?' Laila Levine completes "Yes, and people in their environment will start saying 'But you are a great girl?' Especially women tend to put the blame on themselves and think 'Why don't I have a boyfriend? Am I too picky, too boring, and too bitchy?' "Sybille Harper: "Or too stupid, too ugly, too fat. Like: 'I don't deserve a partner obviously'."
Because sitting on the couch on your own every night is not everything, singles usually have an active, busy and varied life. However, they are not always those happy dynamic hedonists as if they show us in the magazines, commercials and television series like Sex and the City and Ally McBeal. Research tells us that although singles emancipated from a sad person to an accepted single, singles turn out to be unhappier than the ones that do have a partner. They see a doctor more often, are more involved in traffic accidents and have a higher chance of getting addicted.
People need structure and the intimacy of a partner", says Laila Levine. "The relationship with friends is different. With your partner, you fall asleep every night and you wake up every morning. And with your partner you have sex of course." Sybille Harper: "People just need someone that knows them very well, that is some kind of
continuance in their lives. Someone that supports you no matter what, and then I don't mean your parents, because you need to separate yourselves from them. Almost no one gets to know you as well as your partner and with no one, you can be yourself so well as with your girlfriend or boyfriend.
There are a lot more singles than 10 years ago and this number will only grow in the future. Singles don't stay single forever. Most of them are only temporary single after a broken relationship. In addition, with the growth of the number of singles you would expect that people would meet one day. According to therapists, mainly modern times that bother us. We tend to settle down later, we want to look around in life, find out what suits you the best work wise, but also in a relationship. So, you finished that education, you found the nice job, then, the single expects that the partner will come as well. When you can arrange your life, then you can arrange your relationship as well, right? "We want the biggest fish out of the pond. There needs to be a click with someone, we want to fall in love straight away, it has to succeed quickly", says Sybille Harper.
Especially to people in their thirties, afraid to miss out, this happens. Laila Levine: "People in their thirties, no matter what their education, hunt a lot. They are desperately looking and if the relationship is not everything, then they look for someone else. It is tasting and go." Sybille Harper: "But you can get damaged by that. Because if you are the one that dumps, you start worrying of you might have a fear of commitment. And to be dumped has their specific emotions as well.
In their practice, most of the clients are female, but according to the women, it is not that only highly educated women around thirty knock on their door. Sybille Harper: "That is really a myth that is made up by the media. They do exist, but are part of a much bigger group. We have clients from all levels of society, says Laila Levine. "It is true that every age group has their specific problems. Older singles have a longer history. It is a different kind of pain and the problems are different, because often there are kids. Or there is a lot of anger. Like: 'A new guy should not expect me to make diner for him every day'."
On average clients have ten sessions with Sybille Harper or Laila Levine. And after that, they found a partner within no time? No, that's not how it works of course. Golden tips don't exist, but there is advice. Sybille Harper: "Don't wait with being happy. Buy that house, travel, don't make yourself dependent, live! Have faith that it will be okay. Half of the people under 35 years old get a new relationship within a year, but if that's not the case, accept that. This pressure, better today than tomorrow, is not necessary."
"And don't reject someone too soon, she continues."Take the time to get to know someone. That's why a bar is not really the place to meet a partner. There it is more about flirting. Work, school, hobby places, birthdays or parties are more suitable." Laila Levine: "And think about what you are looking for in a partner. However, as important is: look at all the things that you have to offer. A relationship consists out of two people after all."
Singles image is changing. Since a few years, you are more trendy and hip, than sad and pitiful. Contact ads in the newspaper made way for dating on the Internet and being introduced to "the friend of the friend of" transformed to singles parties and activity agencies that aim specifically at singles. However, are these happy singles going to the right places to meet each other? It looks like lots of them are missing out. Men and women choose clearly for different methods to get in touch with the "right one". Enlarge your chances? Read the following tips!