Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack.
"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."
"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
A plane was once flying over an island when the passengers heard the pilot's voice: “Ladies & Gentlemen, if you look on the right side of the plane, you'll see an engine on fire. If you look on the left side, you'll see a wing on fire. And if you look down, you'll see me and my co-pilot in parachutes, waving at you. This is a recording.”
